do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
