I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
