Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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