it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
