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I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
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i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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