on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My dick has a subreddit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
