i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
