he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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