I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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