I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
