you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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