i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
