Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
