i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
