either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
