Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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