I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
