nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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