Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
