Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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