I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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