I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He's a Shit stain on my heart
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
