I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
