boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
