I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
