did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
worst night to have a conscience
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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