lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
