I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
then he tried to convert me to islam
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
