I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
