i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
