Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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