This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my being single is dangerous.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
