WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
