I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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