I wish I could teleport
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
