I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
