We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
