I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
