Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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