I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
