His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
