Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
