I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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