I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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