we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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