She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
