EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
