the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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