I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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