guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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