God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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