Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
