I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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