Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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