Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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