the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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