this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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