I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
