There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hippo gnu deer
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
