True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
