i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
