I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
