you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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